Feeling existentially lost? Doubting any just creator could preside over a world so disparate yet still essentially awful? Me too. Or at least I was, until I listened to Ween’s album The Mollusk while absolutely tripping my face off. Now all I think about is how we’re all just one cosmic orgasm made of stardust […]

Gfhliwe iejfpiehfi ieimic shsorry, I’m currently typing this with my toes under the table while DeGioia paces around the stage and lectures about how I “went too far” and that his “children read The Heckler™ .” Lljsfeh ifoiew hwehelpmeplease. OK, DeGioia’s looking away. The entire school is staring at me though, while I have what […]

For those of you who don’t know, the four-day period between the end of midterms and the start of finals (officially known as “Thanksgiving Break” on the Registrar’s website) is rapidly approaching. Here are 5 surefire ways you can tell: This unexpected shirtless selfie my ex sent me unprompted is a reminder that we will […]

“I just knew it was time for a change,” wrote Sarah McShann-Walpole (NHS ‘23) in an unsolicited email to The Heckler. McShann-Walpole reached out to us in hopes that we could share and inform the Georgetown community about her norm-defying relationship and the importance of pursuing what makes you happy. We felt obligated to share […]

It’s time for me to say what we’ve all been thinking: what have the Romans done for us? The Senatus Collegii Georgiopolitani has been marred for years with mismanagement of public money, petty power-seeking, and a complete failure to prosecute the war in Gaul. We, the students of Georgetown University, have been without bread OR […]

A harsh midterm season on the Hilltop has left many students grappling with the big questions in life: “Is a Fr. Carnes lecture really worth $56,000 in tuition?” “Would norovirus really be that bad if I could get an extension on my history paper?” “What if I don’t want to work in consulting or investment […]

It’s the shittiest part of the week again: It’s fish day at Leo’s! I’m absolutely devastated, but fortunately, I’m not alone. Here are twelve ways that Georgetown students mourn the arrival of the only day which might be worse than Monday. 1. Loss of bladder control – Okay, there’s no way I’m the only one. […]

The November slump is hitting campus pretty hard right now, so it’s really important that students on this campus celebrate whatever wins they can. For econ major Brad Thomas (COL ‘24), his lunch today represented that win. Brad typically picks up a sushi roll from Vittles two or three times a week for a quick, […]

It can be so frustrating not knowing whether you are the Inanna or the Ishtar of your friend group. Doesn’t it always feel like your BFF’s know exactly which one they are? Is your BFF clearly an Inanna and you want to know if you are compatible? Are you tired of being rejected by the […]

After a failed presidential campaign and upset defeat in New York City, Andrew Yang may have suffered his most embarrassing loss right here on the Hilltop. After GUSA election results were released late Saturday night, many Yang Gang supporters were shocked to find that Mr. Yang did not crack the threshold to win a first-year […]