“Some may say that my desire to sit on the statue of Archbishop John Carroll is my way of confronting my fear of intimacy with other men and enjoying a deep cooling sensation,” Pence said. “However, this simply isn’t the case. I admire John Carroll because of his Christian faith and because he was a […]

So you made the mistake of sticking around Georgetown for another semester, because during your junior year the “global pandemic” happened to “disrupt” your flourishing undergraduate “education.” That’s cool! What a normal, amazing choice you have made for yourself. That also means you have another semester to work on your thesis. Wow! But one thing […]

Standing alone in the corner of the party with his roommate, Tyler Aswipe (COL ‘24) commented on a few of the female students who were actually socializing with other people. “Nah bro she’s mid” he remarked, blissfully unaware of the more deserved life he would be leading 700 years ago. Called Stable Pox after everyone […]

Stop, drop, and roll! Business 101 got a bit too hot today in the Hariri building when Jake Kaplan (MSB ’26) tried to light a cigar to mimic the feeling of being in “the smokey, oak and leather furnished negotiations den of a refined businessman.” Unfortunately, his small hands could not support the weight of […]

Georgetown students: We heard you. After the outrageous injustice that was the abdication of Corp Rewards and with it, the potential for free extra-extra-extra iced teas at Mug, we decided it was time to give the people what they really wanted.  Corp Rewards has officially been revamped! Introducing Corp Cards: At your next visit to […]

Bill Clinton (SFS ‘68) is a world renowned statesman, diplomat, perjurer, philanthropist, adulterer, and most importantly, Georgetown alumnus. As a true Renaissance man, he is constantly seeking to expand his boundaries, and the final frontier, he’s decided, is eating cockroaches regularly! As he gazed at his own off-putting face he explained, “Roaches everywhere like we […]

Dear Parents, We at The Heckler understand how hard it is to be away from your children for the first time so we are writing you this letter to put your mind at ease. We promise that your child is learning valuable skills in their first few months on campus. It’s probably their first time […]

In Red Square, a makeshift vigil: students assemble in a solemn circle, holding candles with bowed heads. At the center of their memorial is a heap of flowers and framed photographs – not of any individual, but fields of corn.  No, this isn’t a gathering of homesick Midwesterners or maize enthusiasts. These are members of […]

In a video parodying your seventh grade English teacher’s favorite show, GUASFCU accidentally showed images of 12 account holders’ sensitive financial information, exposing them to potential identity theft, fraud, and more. And revealed that one student (Evan Stinger, MSB ‘25) pays over $600 each month for a daily delivery of a new body-pillow. In defense […]

Wait, don’t click the back button! We, the New York Times Opinion Section, know we’ve messed up in the past, but this time we definitely have the right take about transgender issues. Yes, this year we said that a cisgender woman’s fear of being criticized by trans people on Twitter were just as important as […]