“We like to take any opportunity to honor our most generous alums, particularly if it involves keeping that gay stuff far, far away,” announced School of Foreign Service Dean Joel Hellman at the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the brand new closet Georgetown students will now be forced into. Under the new policy, any out and/or proud […]

It is a sausage party, but it is the greatest party of them all.  When freshman William Edwin Ballston DeBois (SFS ‘26) was assigned Darnall 3 for his first year living accommodation at Georgetown University, he sighed, feeling ever so relieved. It’s on top of Epicurean, and the quesadilla is his favorite food. But upon […]

NO ONE! No one is laughing, I am in tears, my Professor is in tears, and the rest of the class sits in horror. It’s almost like they’ve never seen someone shit themselves in a seminar class before.              I am walking to class, it is day 2500 of my cough, a milestone of sorts, and […]

Amidst calls for a new stadium, better recruits, and increased funding, we seem to be overlooking a better opportunity to solve the Hoyas’ football-related woes: Texas high school competition.  As the old adage goes, the Hoyas might benefit if they “pick on someone their own size.” I believe a few games against high schoolers could […]

WAR IS PEACE FREEDOM IS SLAVERY IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH TRY OUR APPLE DANISHES It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. Wait, sorry, never mind. It was a bright cold day in November, and the clocks were striking nine, and I awoke with the dull, miserable headache of a […]

“Good ones are typically a few hundred dollars, but that’s only a few cents from everybody’s tuition,” remarks Elliott Walker (COL ‘24) on the price range of dog wheelchairs, which are sets of two wheels mounted to dog harnesses designed to replace the functionality of front or rear limbs. Walker’s fixation on dog wheelchairs stems […]

WASHINGTON– In a recent ACCT 201 lecture, John Burnham (MSB 25’ [sic]) announced his plan to intern at Goldman Sachs this summer, after accepting an offer in their New York office earlier this week. Burnham noted that this is an exceptionally great achievement; the program is usually restricted to rising seniors, which Burnham is not. […]

You don’t know him. He doesn’t know you. But you’ve seen him all over campus and on your Pinterest boards. You can’t get him out of your mind. Does he even know you exist? Probably not. Everyone wants him; No one can have him. Alas, wonder no more! We, Hecklers, have taken the liberty to […]

Dear Georgetown,  I’m gonna level with you here, I’m having some money issues and am in dire straits. Since my parents are no longer sending me $2,000 a month to support my lifestyle, I am forced to take drastic measures to ensure I do not starve on the mean streets of Washington DC.  It would […]

Freshman Thomas Hunt (SFS ‘26) was eager to make a good impression in his IR discussion section, so to prepare, he meticulously researched the wide-ranging impacts of the Iraq War. Unfortunately, he also opened up Clash Royale, to, in his own words, “get into that aggressive headspace.” In an effort to psyche himself up to […]