WHITE GRAVENOR 204: “Yes, officer! That’s him! That’s the sick fuck that has been holding in her poop for 25 minutes in class.” God, you make us all sick. You thought you were slick holding in your poop like that? Holding it right in your butt? Disgusting. Everyone in class saw through your twisted little […]

A dreary December morning. A chorus of muffled coughs. This 9am theology class was like any other. That was, until Stephen Honkerton (SFS ‘26) took a seat. Within moments, Honkerton’s peers saw him reach for the still-damp handkerchief in his pocket, and raise it to his nose.  SNOOOORT!!!! SNIFF!!!!! HOOOOOONKKKKKK!! No amount of onomatopoeia could […]

Oscar Mayer, not Oscar Meyer. Looney Tunes, not Looney Toons. A nuclear family of bears, not an age-play polycule. Everybody experiences this feeling once in a while. Something you were so certain was real—like the powerful polyamorous love shared between four fictional bears—turns out to be only a false memory. I hadn’t thought about the […]

Stuffing? Check. Gravy? Check. I didn’t pull out and it felt great. I’m definitely taking this recipe down for next Thanksgiving, and the one after that, and the one after that. If only it was socially acceptable to fuck the turkey on the other 364 days of the year. If it was, you bet this […]

ARLINGTON: Sometimes a weekend of peace is all I need to cap off a difficult week working at Deloitte. A family reunion should be a fun way to wind down with the people I love, but my god damn nephew sucks. I try to avoid him at the party but my infectious magnetism seems to […]

“We like to take any opportunity to honor our most generous alums, particularly if it involves keeping that gay stuff far, far away,” announced School of Foreign Service Dean Joel Hellman at the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the brand new closet Georgetown students will now be forced into. Under the new policy, any out and/or proud […]

It is a sausage party, but it is the greatest party of them all.  When freshman William Edwin Ballston DeBois (SFS ‘26) was assigned Darnall 3 for his first year living accommodation at Georgetown University, he sighed, feeling ever so relieved. It’s on top of Epicurean, and the quesadilla is his favorite food. But upon […]

NO ONE! No one is laughing, I am in tears, my Professor is in tears, and the rest of the class sits in horror. It’s almost like they’ve never seen someone shit themselves in a seminar class before.              I am walking to class, it is day 2500 of my cough, a milestone of sorts, and […]

Amidst calls for a new stadium, better recruits, and increased funding, we seem to be overlooking a better opportunity to solve the Hoyas’ football-related woes: Texas high school competition.  As the old adage goes, the Hoyas might benefit if they “pick on someone their own size.” I believe a few games against high schoolers could […]

WAR IS PEACE FREEDOM IS SLAVERY IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH TRY OUR APPLE DANISHES It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. Wait, sorry, never mind. It was a bright cold day in November, and the clocks were striking nine, and I awoke with the dull, miserable headache of a […]