Georgetown Reconciliation Fund Only Slightly Less Timely Than Safety Warnings
By The Reverend Geraldine McCoy | October 27, 2022
Only 3 years after saying they were creating a Fund (2019), 6 Years after students highlighted and protested Georgetown’s appallingly racist history (2016), and 184 years after brutally enslaving and selling human beings to fund a floundering university (1838), the Georgetown Administration has sent an emailing pledging to begin “a new stage in [their] work […]
New MyAccess Portal Upgrade Sends You Straight to Hell if You Try to Add a Class and Drop a Class at the Same Time
By Fortune St. Albans | October 26, 2022
NEW SOUTH – New freshman Hannah McDermont (COL ‘26) was in for a shock this past weekend when her mild attempt to drop one section of Problem of God and, simultaneously, add a different section of Problem of God ended in eternal damnation for the Floridian linguistics major. “I guess I just don’t know what […]
Student Only Studies in Bioethics to Fantasize about Getting Laid on The Second Floor Tables and Tweet Under the Hashtag #DarkAcademia (I’m the Student)
By Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT | October 24, 2022
Dear Diary, Today, I went back. I couldn’t help myself. The cedar wood, the oh-so-right cushions that support my body in the perfect way, and the perfectly dimmed lighting just make me feel like I’m waiting to be seen by Mr. Gray. When I ascend the spiral staircase, it’s like I’m entering a portal into […]
Copley Crypt Cult Gets Cryptic About Freshmen Sacrifices: Spooky!
By Henrietta Chesterfield | October 23, 2022
Bats abound, pumpkins aplenty – It’s that time of the year again. That’s right, it is the annual “Sacrifice a Freshman” time from our very own Copley Crypt Cult. One of the many Georgetown traditions celebrated on campus, the Copley Crypt Cult typically picks three freshmen to sacrifice in the month of October in honor […]
Mike Pence Can’t Wait to Sit On John Carroll’s Lap: The Reason May Surprise You!
By Shackleford Hedgecock, Esq. | October 19, 2022
“Some may say that my desire to sit on the statue of Archbishop John Carroll is my way of confronting my fear of intimacy with other men and enjoying a deep cooling sensation,” Pence said. “However, this simply isn’t the case. I admire John Carroll because of his Christian faith and because he was a […]
“I’m Something of a Supersenior Myself,” Leers Thesis Advisor Who Is Trying to Fuck Me, Hard
By Col. Willis Van Devanter | October 17, 2022
So you made the mistake of sticking around Georgetown for another semester, because during your junior year the “global pandemic” happened to “disrupt” your flourishing undergraduate “education.” That’s cool! What a normal, amazing choice you have made for yourself. That also means you have another semester to work on your thesis. Wow! But one thing […]
“Bro she’s mid” says Man Who Would Have Been Pox-Ridden Serf that was Forced to Clean Horse Poop and Died of the Plague 700 Years Ago
By The Reverend Geraldine McCoy | October 12, 2022
Standing alone in the corner of the party with his roommate, Tyler Aswipe (COL ‘24) commented on a few of the female students who were actually socializing with other people. “Nah bro she’s mid” he remarked, blissfully unaware of the more deserved life he would be leading 700 years ago. Called Stable Pox after everyone […]
Hariri Building Fire Reported After MSB Freshman Attempts to Light Classy Cigar Pensively During Mock Business Negotiations
By Grantland Mice | October 10, 2022
Stop, drop, and roll! Business 101 got a bit too hot today in the Hariri building when Jake Kaplan (MSB ’26) tried to light a cigar to mimic the feeling of being in “the smokey, oak and leather furnished negotiations den of a refined businessman.” Unfortunately, his small hands could not support the weight of […]
Corps Rewards to be Replaced with Card-Punch System; Buy 9 Drinks, Get the 10th Poured All Over You in a Wet, White T-Shirt
By Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT | October 9, 2022
Georgetown students: We heard you. After the outrageous injustice that was the abdication of Corp Rewards and with it, the potential for free extra-extra-extra iced teas at Mug, we decided it was time to give the people what they really wanted. Corp Rewards has officially been revamped! Introducing Corp Cards: At your next visit to […]
“Cockroaches are Packed With Protein and are Delicious and Sustainable” Explains Bill Clinton to Himself in the Mirror as He Puts His Eyeball Back in
By The Sisters Fitzroy | October 5, 2022
Bill Clinton (SFS ‘68) is a world renowned statesman, diplomat, perjurer, philanthropist, adulterer, and most importantly, Georgetown alumnus. As a true Renaissance man, he is constantly seeking to expand his boundaries, and the final frontier, he’s decided, is eating cockroaches regularly! As he gazed at his own off-putting face he explained, “Roaches everywhere like we […]