Dear Parents of Freshmen, Don’t Worry! Your child is Learning A Lot of Important Things Here on Campus Like Responsibility, Independence, and the Difference Between Sativa and Indica (Sativa is More of an Active Head High While Indica is More of a Body High but it can Really Put You to Sleep so you Gotta Make Sure You Don’t Overdo it)
By Fortune St. Albans | October 5, 2022
Dear Parents, We at The Heckler understand how hard it is to be away from your children for the first time so we are writing you this letter to put your mind at ease. We promise that your child is learning valuable skills in their first few months on campus. It’s probably their first time […]
Right To Life Movie Screening Serves Popcorn, Ripping Away The Potential For Each Kernel To Grow Into A Lush And Beautiful Corn Plant
By Erasmus D. Campbell | October 3, 2022
In Red Square, a makeshift vigil: students assemble in a solemn circle, holding candles with bowed heads. At the center of their memorial is a heap of flowers and framed photographs – not of any individual, but fields of corn. No, this isn’t a gathering of homesick Midwesterners or maize enthusiasts. These are members of […]
GUASFCU Full House Parody Video Leaks 12 Students’ Financial Information and 1 Student’s Body-pillow of the Month Subscription
By The Reverend Geraldine McCoy | September 30, 2022
In a video parodying your seventh grade English teacher’s favorite show, GUASFCU accidentally showed images of 12 account holders’ sensitive financial information, exposing them to potential identity theft, fraud, and more. And revealed that one student (Evan Stinger, MSB ‘25) pays over $600 each month for a daily delivery of a new body-pillow. In defense […]
New York Times Opinion: This Time We Definitely Have the Right Take About Transgender Issues
By Shackleford Hedgecock, Esq. | September 27, 2022
Wait, don’t click the back button! We, the New York Times Opinion Section, know we’ve messed up in the past, but this time we definitely have the right take about transgender issues. Yes, this year we said that a cisgender woman’s fear of being criticized by trans people on Twitter were just as important as […]
Useful Tip: You Can Spot Insecure Freshmen by How Silly They Look in that Dumb Shirt and Stupid Pants
By Obadiah Benton McFadden | September 22, 2022
After the short-lived chaos of move-in day, you may feel that there isn’t much in the way of sightseeing on Georgetown’s campus, but you’d be wrong. The Heckler would like to remind you that – every year – hundreds of insecure freshmen arrive on campus wearing truly ridiculous and gawk-worthy outfits. They say that “this […]
If Blood Is Thicker Than Water, WTF Is This? Your Mom Likes Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Flavoured Samosas More Than She Likes You
By Col. Willis Van Devanter | September 20, 2022
Ever since your mother had her first bite of a Trader Joe’s pumpkin samosa, her life and yours have not been the same. It’s so sad that your mother, who took care of you until you left for college, is so preoccupied by Trader Joe’s pumpkin flavoured foods that she no longer picks up the […]
GPB Pinky Promises to Host a Fun Event This Semester
By Fortune St. Albans | September 19, 2022
This semester, GPB has officially offered a pinky promise to all students that they will host a single event that can be deemed “thoroughly enjoyable” by even a single student. The bold claim comes after general disappointed acceptance regarding the organization’s role on campus in past semesters. “We weally weally pwomise dat we will do […]
“They’re Like… All Men” Student Realizes America Kind of Sexist After Monument Run
By Tippi Feathers | September 17, 2022
Midway through his daily run last Thursday, Brady (MSB ‘24) came to a startling realization: every monument he’d passed had depicted a man. Confused, he began to look for public displays dedicated to women as he ran back to campus. “I was sure I saw one at the Vietnam War memorial,” he told reporters, “But […]
GUPD Asks Thief to Prolong Robbery 16 Hours to Make HOYAlert Timely
By Osborne Augustus Lochrane | September 14, 2022
The distress call came in at 11:47pm. An attempted robbery on Prospect and 36th. GUPD officers Gump and Gumbo blitzed to the scene at a leisurely pace. The crime was still unfolding as they arrived—a masked assailant attempting to wrest a handbag from a panicked student. “Woah woah woah, hold it right there mister,” officer […]
“The Maid Didn’t Show Up This Morning”: The Heckler’s Best of Freshmen Work Requests
By Squiggle Tha Kid | September 13, 2022
As Georgetown’s class of 2026 begins to find their home on campus, first-year students have had to meet the challenges of independent living for the first time. Without doting caretakers ready to listen to and accommodate their child’s every qualm, new students have yearned for another outlet to vent their frustrations to. The campus Department […]