Declaring she had just broken up with her boyfriend and didn’t give a shit about Valentine’s Day, Klare Rhett (COL ’24) announced to her friends this Thursday that she was in her “Fleabag era.” And after explaining to them that no, that does not mean she has fleas, Rhett’s friends (minus the one whose boyfriend […]

Last weekend, GUPD Chief Jay Gruber attempted to catch students intending to commit the criminal offense of underage drinking. Surprisingly, no one tried to drink alcohol at the fake party. Here’s what real students had to say about it: “I mean, he’s at least 60 years old. Once we showed up, it was pretty clear […]

“I don’t have a student visa…but my Mastercard should work right?” asked Katie Ward (COL ’24) as she waited for her flight to “Bar-the-lona” to take off.  One Good Samaritan tried to guide her in the right direction. Wilson Navarro (SFS ’24) quipped, “I read that for a Schengen country, if you are in the […]

The Office of Residential Living has just announced this afternoon that, due to a sudden and unforeseen lack of space on campus, each respective Class of 2026 NSO group will just live together in a single first year dorm room. When questioned as to how this was so unforeseen, and why the hell they were […]

Hoyas, it’s that time of the year again! New Student Orientation is here and so are all the fun-filled traditions that come with it, including one of the university’s most widely celebrated: The Implantation! Today, each member of the incoming freshman class will line up to receive one microchip in the neck, promptly passing out […]

My first semester in college was great, but honestly a little more mundane than I expected. While I tried LSD for the first time from a stranger I met outside of Assets in Dupont, and there was that one time at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, things just haven’t lived up to the depictions of adult […]

Sometimes, you really need to get your sexy, glasses-wearing, CULP boyfriend going. But how do you get them sufficiently revved up? Thankfully, we at The Heckler have compiled a list of things you can say to get their face out of a book and into your erogenous zones: “You’re such a voracious reader!” “It turns […]

Well, yes, you have received a three month extension on the draft. It’s now due in four days, ten hours, and seventeen minutes. But it’s okay, king! Thinking about it a lot is really half the battle, and lord knows you are now expecting to start thinking about thinking about starting your thesis by now. […]

This morning, DeGioia’s isolation room in the university hotel was found empty by his female followers who had come to pay respects. According to Catherine Armour and Ranit Mishori, who had come sealed by a large rock and guarded by two mask monitors, they found the rock cast aside and his room empty.  Asked what […]

The sweet shouts of exuberance And promis’d hot chocolate’s innocence Crowd the clouds and aloft birds’ wings, As the blissful bask in their swings. You will never ever (ever!)1 Feel this. Curs’d to only endeavor For borrowed wist, lensed memory By knowing that Frankenweenie Was Released a decade ago When you were eleven or so. […]