Straight from the desk of the newly-elected GUSA executives: Our administration is looking for someone to give the all-clear on our loads of incoming fan mail!  We all know that COVID-19 doesn’t affect people. Our pre-med freshmen have told us that anthrax similarly has no effect. There’s no hypothetical question about hypothetical safety. It’s just […]

Local rolling backpack boy— Benjamin Johnston, NHS ‘25— laughs in the face of your offer of a sensual back massage. “What a ridiculous offer! Both of my scapulae are in immaculate condition! Why are you putting your hand on my thigh?” He may not understand personal intimacy, but keep in mind: Ben has never once […]

Food insecurity is at an all-time high on Georgetown’s campus. Lack of allergy-friendly options, costly meal plans, and being scared out of the Cropchop line by an aggressive “what’s your base?” have all contributed to Hoyas lacking access to safe and healthy food options. So, with a rumbling stomach, I approached our new GUSA President […]

KYIV, Ukraine — After weeks of mounting tensions, NATO officials are describing a full-scale military strike as “imminent and inevitable” after the discovery of troops from the Clash Royale universe being transported to the Russia-Ukraine border. Ukrainian intelligence officials confirmed the update after many anonymous reports of the signature “HOGGG RIDAAAAA” call in the Crimean […]

So your Valentine’s Day plans went out the window. He’s emotionally unavailable, or worse, he’s “too worried about Ukraine to text back.” Whatever it is, we see you girl! Straight women have been dealing with this bull since the beginning of time. This Valentine’s Day, let’s take a look back at the ladies of Greco-Roman […]

Hey guys, not free food, but I have a whole collection of Game of Thrones Funko-pops that I’m letting go of – feel free to come over to Henle 53 to pick them up!  But while I’m at it, can I be straight with you guys? I feel like even though this is a free […]

I’m a white guy, but don’t worry––it’s cool. I’m one of the good ones. I totally recognize my privilege and I’m like an ally and stuff too. And not to flex, but today I was such a good ally when I called out this sexist author in my IR Class. We’re learning about realism and […]

Georgetown University took almost an hour to inform students of a shooting incident just blocks from campus. Why the delay? We put the question to the school’s administrative bigwigs, and this is what they said. DeGioia: “I just get a little antsy about acting on our own, you know? Like—when should we inform students about […]

TUESDAY – ONE HUNDRED SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT The Heckler: Good afternoon, readers. Today I’m interviewing the brainchild behind Midnight MUG’s new round of bland yet inexplicably ominous reopening posters – a new hire at the Corp marketing department called – uh, I think it was “Strangelove?” Dr. Strangelove, SFS ’23: Yes, Herr Interviewer, zat’s correct. […]

Dear God, why did he pick me? I had one conversation with DeGioia when I was one of the student-athletes recognized at a Hoyas basketball game (Georgetown Sailing represent!), and now every time I’m in the same general vicinity as him he goes out of his way to shoot finger guns at me or give […]