Calling all Busybodies! The Hoya Application is Now Open!
By The Sisters Fitzroy | September 9, 2022
Ok, here it is! The Hoya application link. You can click it if you want. It’s just a Google Form, this should be easy! Get to muckraking! Threaten to sue people! Read the paper! https://forms.gle/yKNQhk2hZbk9hqdH8
The Heckler Presents: A Guide on How to Make the Queen’s Death About You
By Carolina Edgecumb | September 8, 2022
Blimey! So the queen has finally kicked the bucket. Before you light a candle in your window (or break out your celebratory tea and crumpets), there’s one question you’ve got to answer: How are you going to make this groundbreaking, worldwide, historic event about you? If you want to be sad: make sure to post […]
“Sorry, We Forgot Only Skinny Women Can Sing”: Funny Girl Producers Apologize
By Shackleford Hedgecock, Esq. | September 7, 2022
This week, Lea Michele will officially replace Beanie Feldstein in the role of Fanny Brice in the 2022 revival of Funny Girl. After several months of snobbish reviews of Feldstein’s performance, looks, and her singing voice, Feldstein left the run weeks early. The producers, who were rumored to have forced Feldstein to quit, quickly redesigned […]
OSO: Old Student Orientation – New Initiative Harvests the Organs of Alumni Aged 65+ as Final Donation to New Hoyas
By Obadiah Benton McFadden | September 5, 2022
Once a Hoya, always a Hoya. After many autumns of successful New Student Orientation (NSO) programs, Georgetown’s Orientation, Transition & Family Engagement Team will finally give older Hoyas an equally invigorating experience through OSO: Old Student Orientation. Rather than being oriented with the campus and Georgetown’s academic system, alumni aged 65 years and older will […]
Poser! This Lady Just Said She’s in Her “Fleabag Era” but Isn’t Trying to Fuck Any Campus Priests
By The Reverend Geraldine McCoy | September 1, 2022
Declaring she had just broken up with her boyfriend and didn’t give a shit about Valentine’s Day, Klare Rhett (COL ’24) announced to her friends this Thursday that she was in her “Fleabag era.” And after explaining to them that no, that does not mean she has fleas, Rhett’s friends (minus the one whose boyfriend […]
Undercover GUPD Chief Jay Gruber Hosts First-Ever “Underage Drinkers’ Club” Party
By Carolina Edgecumb | August 26, 2022
Last weekend, GUPD Chief Jay Gruber attempted to catch students intending to commit the criminal offense of underage drinking. Surprisingly, no one tried to drink alcohol at the fake party. Here’s what real students had to say about it: “I mean, he’s at least 60 years old. Once we showed up, it was pretty clear […]
Study abroad participant has no idea what a “Student Visa” is, hopes MasterCard will work
By Grantland Mice | August 25, 2022
“I don’t have a student visa…but my Mastercard should work right?” asked Katie Ward (COL ’24) as she waited for her flight to “Bar-the-lona” to take off. One Good Samaritan tried to guide her in the right direction. Wilson Navarro (SFS ’24) quipped, “I read that for a Schengen country, if you are in the […]
Breaking: Due to Unforeseen Housing Shortage, All NSO Groups Have to be Roommates
By The Reverend Geraldine McCoy | August 24, 2022
The Office of Residential Living has just announced this afternoon that, due to a sudden and unforeseen lack of space on campus, each respective Class of 2026 NSO group will just live together in a single first year dorm room. When questioned as to how this was so unforeseen, and why the hell they were […]
Four Years in Five Seconds: Brain Chip Implanted at NSO Simulates Entire Georgetown Experience
By Glocktopus Squid Prime | August 19, 2022
Hoyas, it’s that time of the year again! New Student Orientation is here and so are all the fun-filled traditions that come with it, including one of the university’s most widely celebrated: The Implantation! Today, each member of the incoming freshman class will line up to receive one microchip in the neck, promptly passing out […]
Ok Really, Where the Wild Things At?
By Squiggle Tha Kid | April 28, 2022
My first semester in college was great, but honestly a little more mundane than I expected. While I tried LSD for the first time from a stranger I met outside of Assets in Dupont, and there was that one time at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, things just haven’t lived up to the depictions of adult […]