DARNALL HALL – In an act of complete disregard for the future of the university, Sam Hamilton (COL ’18) has reportedly refused to make a customary GUSA Facebook profile picture change.   Hamilton’s roommate, Alex Torrence (SFS ’18), expressed disdain for Hamilton’s political ignorance. “I would consider myself a political junkie, and I guess I […]

RED SQUARE – In a last-minute deviation from their traditional condomgram campaign, H*yas for Choice has begun distributing “NuvaRing Grams” to promote safe sex this Valentine’s Day.   Despite their rigorous promotion of “condomgrams,” in which individuals can purchase condoms for their friends, significant others, and potential sexual partners to be posted on their doors […]

Dear Sophomore Alone On Valentine’s Day, I feel like I’ve hit the Sophomore Slump that everyone talks about, and I’ve been really homesick lately.  Any advice on how to get through the rest of the semester? It’s gonna be a total Galentine’s Day this year. We’ll have to take some super cute pics of us […]

HFSC – A scheduled “Meet and Great” in HFSC for GUSA  Executive candidates Sara Margolis and Ryan Shymansky came to an abrupt ending when a participant accidentally spilled coffee on Shymansky, causing his circuitry to malfunction. Shymansky, whose good looks and smooth demeanor have long been suspected of stemming from him being at least partially robotic, […]

SELLINGER LOUNGE – Violent clashes erupted throughout campus last night as ROTC cadets stormed Healy Hall and the Georgetown University Student Association offices in Sellinger in an apparent coup of the student government. Students studying in UG witnessed the ROTC cadets parading through Sellinger, brandishing blue plastic rifles and ordering students to drop their coffees and crouch […]

BURLEITH –  As the Healy bells tolled 6 am over a sleepy campus this Thursday morning, one member of the Georgetown community awoke with a start.   “Only four more days until debate,” whispered Rosenberger’s Navy Slim Fit blazer from Men’s Warehouse, its miniscule fibers quivering with nervous energy. “Only four more days until I […]

VILLAGE A – As campaign season kicks off around campus, GUSA political strategists are hard at work, crunching the numbers on which key demographic will turn the tide in favor of their candidate. Some campaigns are headed to Yates, in an attempt to corner the athlete vote, while others focus on yet-to-be-disillusioned freshman demographic. Will […]

  HENLE — As part of their mission to prepare its members for leadership through service, the co-ed fraternity Alpha Phi Omega will serve the Georgetown community by hosting lots of parties.   “I find it very fulfilling to be able to hand out dozens of handles of Burnetts,” remarked Joel Young (COL ’16), a […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR — In an attempt to create a more intimate campus climate “where everybody knows your name,” Georgetown’s Office of Undergraduate Admissions (GOUA) recently announced that the Class of 2019 will consist solely of the season four starring cast of Cheers.   According to GOUA records, six individuals were admitted to the Class of 2019, […]