KEHOE —  Completing what has been called a significant improvement to athletes’ safety, the university last week replaced the entire Kehoe artificial turf with a bed of used syringes.   The turf, which has been a source of complaints from club and intramural athletes in recent months, was pulled from the roof of Yates on […]

PINK HOUSE- Numerous members of the Simga Phi Epsilon fraternity, a body of many of the self-titled “broiest dudes on campus,” have struggled in the recent cold weeks to find ways to apply chapstick in a way that does not look effeminate. “My tanks, bicep curls, Patagonia fleece, they’re all wasted if I look like […]

DARNALL — Freshman Grace Fields (NHS ’18) issued a statement Monday morning to members of the press saying she “Couldn’t be happier at Georgetown. I love the amazing location, the interesting faculty, and the sexual energy I feel from the hundreds of email listservs I signed up for.”   As she opened her inbox to […]

As I write this op-ed from the crammed bowels of Locker 594B, my head drenched in piss water from my most recent swirly and my underwear torn from yet another serving of Wedgies By Brad, Fairfax High School Football Hunk®, I find myself looking back on your recent pernicious article and asking, WTF George Washington […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR — Citing a need to “modernize” their class registration system, Georgetown Vice President of Student Affairs Todd Olson announced plans this morning to replace the University Registrar’s current Magic 8 Ball, known internally as, “The Decider,” with a newer model.   “It has become clear that the registrar’s current Magic 8 Ball simply cannot […]

BUCKINGHAM PALACE—Multiple sources have confirmed to the Heckler that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II spent this past weekend sending multiple drunk texts to Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi in order to get the two countries back together. The conversation began with Her Majesty texting “Hey we should hang out together again sometime :)” while at trade […]

VITAL VITTLES — Junior Matt Roth’s (SFS ’16) hopes to flirt with cashier Molly Hyde (COL, ’16) at Vital Vittles were rendered impossible with his purchase of approximately 12 rolls of toilet paper. At 1:30 pm on Monday, Roth approached the check-out counter with both arms wrapped around two six-packs of Charmin extra-durable toilet paper […]

M STREET — A Georgetown University student was observed this past weekend asking a homeless man if he accepted Venmo.   The student, Jeffrey Melvin (COL ’18), was near the intersection of Wisconsin Avenue and M Street at approximately 4 PM this past Saturday when a homeless man asked him for change.   “I didn’t […]

REISS 284 – Tensions within a section of MATH 035 reached an all-time high when perpetually underprepared Brad Jones (COL’ 18) asked classmate Sarah Witham (MSB ’18) if he could borrow a pencil for a record 50th time this semester.   “Are you kidding me? This is calculus. How do you come to class without […]

REISS – Pre-med sophomores around campus are rejoicing this afternoon after it was revealed that Organic Chemistry professor, Professor Gary Shaw, answered just 55% of the questions correctly on his own midterm exam.   “That test was a total bitch,” remarked Shaw. “I’m going to be honest, I haven’t taken one of those myself in at […]